New Year. New Job.

I'm starting over again. Sometimes new starts are good. They are ruminating, refreshing, but sometimes they are exhausting. I feel like I've had lots of new starts this "year" and have been frustrated in not being able to have consistency, but also happy that things aren't staying the same as they were. Change is not always good, but it's good for my job right now.

I was anxious leading up to the first day of my new school. Mr. B can always tell when the anxiety starts to set in because I get busy-headed (wait, I'm always busy...I get extra busy) and he always says I look sad. I think that's just my focused-trying-not-to-dwell-on-my-worries-even-though-I-don't-have-anything-to-worry-about-face. I'm a fairly avoidant when it comes to such unpleasantness.  Most any teacher would admit to having first day "jitters". It doesn't make a lot of sense, I mean, they're children for goodness sake, but you know, sometimes they can be scary.  Maybe it has to do with the power dynamics (that's not really the phrase I'm looking for)-knowing when to be strict and when to be sweet while trying to remain "in control".

Although I was on the verge of being miserable last semester, I did learn a lot. I learned about myself and my strengths and my weaknesses.  I learned about the African American community like I had never known before (just because you live in Memphis doesn't mean you know anything about the Black community).  I also had to re-learn how to teach, or rather how to teach differently.  Yet the one thing I learned that is perhaps one of the most false doctrines ever bestowed upon new teachers, the mantra "don't smile 'till Christmas" (which, perhaps is more of a guideline and less of a "rule"), is not really effective.

Kids are not (always) animals who need to be taught discipline above love. I think the first impression they make of a teacher is: mean or nice.  And you know what happens when they think you're mean? They check out or they make your life miserable.  My students last semester were so turned off and reactive when they thought I was "mean". In order for them to learn and to listen and to behave, they had to like me and they had to know I was on their side.  This does not mean that I had to be a pushover. I had to "keep the reins" tight every second of every class, but it wasn't until I let them know that I cared about them and liked them that they would behave and subsequently, learn.

I used to think that teachers and students shouldn't ever be friends. And I still do to a degree.  I tell my students that, "I'm not your friend, I'm your teacher."  But that doesn't have to mean that you withhold from them any emotions that you care for them like you do any other human beings.  And you know, we should probably care for them more. They're young, they're impressionable, they're sensitive and they often have to deal with a lot more than we know.  I have 175 students now.  More than I've ever had.  And I've got to find a way to teach and love all of them. I know it's going to be hard. It's always been hard. Loving all people is really hard. Maybe it shouldn't be.  I know I'm hard to love sometimes.

Despite all my anxious worrying, the first day was awesome.  The situation I was coming into was not exactly ideal (I am the third teacher for these students and they did not like the last one), but I was welcomed with smiles, cheers and even a hug. I met the students at the door to shake their hands and I could see them coming down the hallway with unexpected smiles on their faces as they pushed forward and asked was I their new teacher?  In one class, cheers erupted after I announced that I was their new teacher.  I said that I hoped that was because they really liked me and not because the other teacher was gone.  They said it was a mix of the two.  Two students saw me in the stairwell and asked if I was their new teacher and said that they were coming to see me before their class.  One girl titled her work to me as her "very pretty new teacher" and another wrote in her letter to me that she thought I was so pretty and she couldn't wait to get to know me better.  What. The. Heck. I have never, ever been so flattered by students in my life. I had students staying to talk to me after class, they have stopped me in the hall to say hi on this second day.  It's just somewhat unbelievable.

I hope this doesn't come off as pretentious and boastful, I'm just so overwhelmed.  I didn't do anything to deserve their praise and admiration, but it was there. It's an encouraging to see students so full of life and eager to learn.  It does make me a sad to think about my students from last semester and to remember how hopeless some of them were and how they had just given up.  I tried to help them. They needed rescuing really, and probably I didn't try hard enough. I know I didn't. But I hope for them.  I hope they know I cared for them.  I hope that in a flawed system, in a broken world, that they will find light.

I'm so thankful for where I've been brought. At times it feels more like I've been dragged, but I'm here, starting over.  Here's to loving others.